The Silent Ghost (Depression)

The silent ghost that hides in the shadows of a candle,

the candle is the flickering "happiness" behind the lying smile on my face,

is the truth behind my insomniac eyes, that I justify with long work hours,

that justify all the time I spend taking naps, that justify my need not to be awake.

The silent ghost is the little voice in the back on my head,

a voice that lies to me telling me today will be a good day but then reminds me yesterday was not,

that last month was not, that last year was not, that the past couple of them were not,

that helps me get up in the morning and then sinks me in the bile of everyday’ s anxiety.

The silent ghost is the insomniac walks I never take because I am afraid I might finally take the decision to never come back.

Is the insomniac poems that I stopped writing because they were bringing me down!

Is the endless letters I have written in my head to my dead mother waiting for an answer that never comes;

Is the thousands of speeches and conversations I have gone over, and over again in my head from the ones that never happen to the ones I wish have gone a different direction!

The silent killer it's me filling the space in the crowd just one man in the middle of a sea of people,

It is I standing in the middle of the party not knowing where I am suppose go next,

The answer is out, run, get out, run and be free; but free of what when I am a prisoner of myself and the anxiety social gatherings causes inside!

Is the feeling of not belonging to nothing and wanting to belong to everything and everyone but feeling like that puzzle piece that never fits but you know it belongs to the picture. 

The silent ghost is the need to be honest but feeling anxious about what your words will provoke in others,

Because you appreciate others and do not want to hurt them, yet you cannot stop.

It is the morning after, when you start analyzing every single word you’ve said and every single gesture you did.

Even if you feel like you do not care, you want to go back, change the words and the looks, the gestures, even the kiss you gave to your partner before going to sleep because it might have not been given the right way. Then realizing it really does not matter because you've already fucked it up even if you didn't.

The silent ghost is depression and her sister anxiety that embrace me and without regard for the time or date or if I feel like Superman will remind me of how my life could have been if I had taken the opposite road, 

What would have happened if instead of going left, I would have gone right, and they lie!

Depression is the silent lover that never wants you to get out of bed but to spend another hour by her side,

Anxiety is the very talkative conscience that pushes you to go forward but then pulls you back in to the dirt, and it’s a dance that goes back at forth, back and forth and you feel like you can never stop, you can never sit down.

Depression is the murderer of all that you want and everything you could have ever had.

Depression is the only true friend I’ve ever had the one that has never really left, she is the one that really holds me dear and yet she always lies in the voice of Anxiety.

Depression is not a silent ghost but the silent killer that brings her little sister Anxiety to stab you in the back while she seductively smiles and stabs you in the heart!

Nailo Gottblut

18/01/18