The End Of A Year

I wrote something relaxed and calm for the last post of this year, but honestly... It was whole lot of crap! I just realized that even though it was not such a bad year, I FUCKING HATE IT! or at least the end of it... I tried to remain calm but guess what I just bloody fucking can't.

I can seem to understand why I am so angry, but this feeling is killing me, so I decided to let my mouth go off on this new post.

This year was full of love, hate, pain, sorrow, madness, chaos, accidents, injuries, life and death, and I can't seem to be able to react properly to all that shit, I'm not good with people, I have a Social disability, I just can't stand fucking stupidity, I can't stand lies, hypocrisy, ignorance, and most of all I CAN'T STAND TO FEEL LIKE THIS!!! This feeling of falling is just to much for a man like me, this feeling is driving me crazy, crazy I tell you, and there is no answers, I have to take this on faith, FUCK, this is not working no more, there is questions everywhere but ther is no answers, The end of the year is always the same, lot of questions, not a single answer, and the silence is what kills me, and even though I have found good persons that will always lend an ear to hear my stupid paranoia, I can't seem to be capable to get this stupid ideas from my head...

This year was Mom's 20th death anniversary, I'm a man now and it still feel like if it was yesterday when she was holding me when I cried as a little boy, I miss her like I miss no one, somethimes I had whised that the one that died that day was me, but then I wake up, trapped inside this life, inside this body, this mind, I can't escape this life, this reality... I'm alife, she's not, and everything has gone to hell.

I have realized this year that my for most dreadful fear is falling, and today I feel like I'm almost there, and FUCK, I just don't know, I'm not sure if this is the real thing or I'm just dreaming, just hoping for it to be it, but it gives me the fucking creeps, I'm scared, afraid to fall, and yet something inside me grab me and pulls me under, advices me to fall, tells me everything will be alright, can you feel it?

Damn, years go by and we all get older, we all go down the road, some of us will meet or have met death before others, and Lord it pains me to see my friends die and leave their children.

This year I met some nice people, yet, I can't say I really give a damn about most of them, I really found out that not every human being is worthy of attention, I will not bother with humanity, most of them people are full of shit, they have nothing to offer to a man as crazy, lost and forgotten as me, and them we have those who have brought me beautiful madness, ironic joy, and a couple of smiles, I hate you, not in a bad way, but in a way where I need you to be here to feed this madness, and that needs drives me crazy, and makes me hate you, hate you because I need you.

I can't entirely explain this feeling, I really hope that you do, Beacuse I FUCKING LOVE YOU! I really do, this story is the beggining of something I didn't expected, and must admit I am fascinated, I'm trying to reamin as calm as possible but this fear is not helping, SO my recomendation for this dying year is "Breathe Fucker, Breathe"

This year was once again filled by selfinfilcted madness, and it was not mine, it was brought by a selfish mind, a stupid being that since is unable to be happy by itself, it tries to suck on other peoples lifes, For you I have only one thing to say, well maybe two, first "Fuck You" and second "GET A FUCKING LIFE!"

Now that I have taken that out of my chest we can go on with this text that makes no sence at all, especially now that I have realized that I don't know who I am talking to, I thought I was talking about myself and to myself, but than I realized that I seem to be talking to somebody else, SHIT! I think I'm going crazy. Why am I talking to someone else? the problem is that i think that I think I'm talking to more than one person. Damn it, I'm losing contact with reality, come on focus Nailo, you can do it.

Ok, Fuck it, let's lose control, fuck me and fuck you all, the end of the year is at the turn of the corner and we are still trying to silence our minds, instead we should be willingly vomiting truth to the world... A world that is coming to an end, a world that is dying, and we are still interested in what tha fuck will others think, how they will feel, goddamn it, this year is ending and we still cannot say something as simple as "I love you".

This year will end and I feel something I cannot explain, what is it exactly, not sure, Do I like it? yes I do, thank for helping me feel this.

Ok, I will end this, but let me tell you one more thing, 2010 end on friday, 2011 starts on Saturday and when are you going to end and start something, I already did, and even is is driving me crazy, I really like it and and enjoy every moment of it. Shit I need to stop thinking of it...

Have a good end of the year
Nailo Gottblut
28/12/10